


A Pink Complex

by Strawberry_Times



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Character Development, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, First Time, Kevin is such a DRAMA queen amirite ladies, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 16:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14192607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberry_Times/pseuds/Strawberry_Times
Summary: Connor thinks that things would be pretty boring around here without Kevin.





	A Pink Complex

Connor McKinley has just turned 20.

 

It’s not necessarily a special birthday, I mean, literally everyone turns 20. But there’s something about being stuck in a small hut with seven other boys- well, men- with no electricity or air conditioning that really just makes you appreciate how long you have been alive.

 

“Happy birthday Elder McKinley!” a bright Elder Thomas greets as Connor made his way to the kitchen to start on breakfast. Connor smiled and said thank you. Today Thomas was wearing a tie he found at the market. It was very pink and had little flamingos on it, obviously an American had donated it and someone had no need for it, so they decided to sell it. That is Elder Thomas’ favorite tie. Connor thinks it’s because it reminds him of America and today he is feeling a little homesick.

 

Six months. That’s how long they have been in Uganda. The funny thing is, Connor doesn’t really mind it here. He likes the people and their culture, he likes his dirty little hut with these dirty little men, and he loves the fact that he can just be himself even if he still pretends not to be. The only thing he doesn’t love about Uganda is the heat and lack of sunscreen, which they ran out of about two months ago.

 

Connor is happy. He is very, very stressed. But he is happy.

 

“Happy birthday Elder!” Church.

 

“Morning birthday boy.” Davis.

 

“Good morning Elder McKinley, happy birthday!” Michaels.

 

“ELDER MCKINLEY YOU’RE AWAKE!” Cunningham. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD MAN!”  Arnold said as he practically tackled Connor, holding him in the tightest grip imaginable. Connor chuckled, but also struggled to breathe.

 

“I’m only- ouch- two months older than you Elder…” he said begrudgingly. Arnold gave his head a pat.

 

“That’s ok I love you still.” Arnold said in a mock baby voice. Connor swatted his hand away.

 

“Well that’s good I guess.” Connor said. He readjusted his shirt. “Ok boys, what do you want for breakfast?” He asked. The elders looked at him strange.

 

“Elder McKinley… we made you breakfast?” Elder Thomas said. Connor felt his face go red.

 

“Oh!.. I’m sorry boys I guess I didn’t… expect?” he tried to explain. Some of the boys laughed which made them all laugh, and Connor had to laugh at himself out of sheer embarrassment. They all sat around the table as Elder Thomas passed out the plates. It wasn’t anything special. Eggs and rice. But Connor didn’t have to make it, and that made it very special. As they ate Connor noticed an empty chair. “Where is Elder Price?” he asked. The boys all looked around in confusion, shrugging their shoulders or voicing their opinion on the matter. Every boy except Arnold, who looked like he was about to explode with anticipation. “Elder Cunningham?” Connor asked. “Where is Elder Price?”

 

Arnold tried to hold back a laugh. “ _Oh my, I have no idea!”_ he said. Connor rolled his eyes.

 

“Well, we should save him a plate in case he gets hungry later.” Connor said. A few of the boys giggled under their breath or sort of half rolled their eyes. Connor looked confusedly at them. “What?” He asked.

 

“Nothing.” Most of them replied, with the hint of a smile still stuck to their face. Connor felt thoroughly annoyed by this. He ate his food and washed his dishes and went into his office to start on some paperwork that was sent to him about the publication of the Book of Arnold.  _‘I am literally starting a cult.’_ He thought.

 

As he was doing his work and trying to not lose his stapler for the third time that week, his door opened with a bang. Connor jumped. Elder Price stood at his office door. He was very out of breath and  _very_  sweaty. His already form fitting clothes were sticking to his skin and his hair was disheveled. Connor stared at him like he was crazy.

 

“Elder Price! What are you-“ he began to say when Price stuck out his hand, which was holding a bouquet of yellow flowers. Connor’s eyes caught on them. They were simple and small. Yellow with a dark brown center. Price had taped them together so they wouldn’t escape their hold in his palm. Connors cheeks flushed. “What are these for?” he asked.

 

“They’re for you.” He said clear as day, holding them out further, beckoning Connor to take them. Connor stared at him with a stupid expression. Price looked as though this was a normal everyday transaction and Connor not accepting his flowers was out of the ordinary. His face was blank besides the sweat that rolled down his cheek that Connor tried very hard not to notice. “… Happy birthday.” He said.

 

Connor stood from his seat and walked the few short steps to Price. He took the flowers after a second of hesitation. Price gave him a weird look and walked out of the room calmly. Connor watched the door frame, half expecting Price to burst back in and make some dramatic display of how he just gave someone a very special birthday gift. Price didn’t walk through the door again and Connor forgot how long he just stood there staring at it like it was holding some sort of secret meaning.

 

Just a door.

 

Just some flowers.

 

Nothing more... nothing special about Price literally working up a sweat over some flowers for Connor. Flowers. Oh my  _god_  this is so embarrassing. Connor finally looked at the flowers and he would have laughed if he wasn’t a little too stressed out over them. He looked around his office. Why doesn’t he have anything to put these in? Does he really need this many paperclips, and this many cups to hold them? No. Connor emptied a paperclip cup and put the flowers gently into it. He hid them behind a book on his desk so only he could see them. He didn’t really want to understand why he felt like no one else needed to know about this, but they didn’t. It’s his birthday and he can do whatever he wants with the presents he receives.

 

If he chooses to secretly obsess over this for a week or so, so be it. It’s his choice.

 

Flowers... how predictable.

 

-

 

“Elder McKinley? Can I talk to you?” Elder Michaels asked as Connor was scrubbing dishes wafted dinner. Some of the other Elders were camped out in the living room setting up a board game, and the rest had retired early.

 

“Of course Elder, ask away!” Connor said with his usual pep. Elder Michaels stayed quiet. Connor looked at him. He looked very pink. Ok. Connor knows this face. “Elder, would you like to step into my office where we can be in private?” Connor asked, putting a friendly hand on Michaels’ shoulder. He nodded.

 

Connor led him to his office, just down at the end of the hall. He ignored the other boys hollering for them to join the game. As he opened the door for Elder Michaels, he analyzed his body posture and language. His shoulders were slumped, and he was keeping his head down. He sat in Connor’s chair stared at the wall like it was the only thing in the room. Something is very wrong. Elder Michaels is the youngest, and even though it’s only by a few months, a few months in Uganda can equal years, so Connor pulled up a chair in front of him and waited. Elder Michaels occasionally looked up at Connor, almost as if to check he was still there. He was.

 

“Brandon.” Connor said. He looked up at him. Whenever an Elder is upset, Connor learned at the mission training center, it is always in the right to use their first name, because this peaks their interest and you are more likely to connect with them. “Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He asked. Elder Michaels sighed and stared back down at his knees. He shrugged.

 

“... do you ever just... miss home?” He said. His face was tilted up, but his eyes were looking away, and his lip was pouted. Connor thought about it. He missed food, and air conditioning, and TV. But home? No, he didn’t miss that.

 

“Sometimes yes.” He said, because even though Mormons never lie, sometimes to make a friend feel better you will give a little lie. “Are you feeling home sick?” He asked. Elder Michaels shrugged. Connor noticed tears start to well up in Michaels’ eyes. He stayed quiet in case he wanted to talk.

 

“I don’t know...” he said, keeping his voice low so he wouldn’t choke up on the tears. “I guess.” He said. His lips were pulled down into a slight frown, and Connor watched as a few tears fell. Michaels groaned and wiped his tears. “... sorry.” He said.

 

“It’s ok.” Connor said. Michaels stared out the small window over Connor’s desk. It was dark outside.

 

“I got a letter from my mom today.” Connor pulled a face, mail was delivered from Kampala two days ago. “Well, not today, I got it when the mail came in but I was so nervous so I didn’t open it until today. Michaels wasn’t crying, but he looked so defeated and it pulled on Connor’s heart. “She said-“ he chuckled sadly. “She said ‘ _I’m_   _very disappointed_   _in you Brandon. Your father refuses to even talk to me about you.’_... and I don’t know... when I read that I was really upset.” He said, turning his face to the floor, his eyebrows knitted and face contorting to his tears that started to swell. He wiped at them. “How could you  _say_ that?” He said. Connor rushed forward and clasped his arms around him as Michaels broke down.

 

He let him cry, and get his shirt wet. He let him hold him as long as he needed. He let him get out all of his anger and sadness, because Connor knows this is hard and it’s taking a lot out of them. The good they are doing is still good, but it doesn’t make up for the bad that they all feel. That their families feel.

 

As Michaels began to calm down, he rested on Connor, keeping his cheek laid on his shoulder. Connor patted his back, and he let go.

 

“Just think about all we are doing.” He said. “We are giving these people hope and help they have never received in their entire lives.” Michaels looked up. “Write your mom back and tell her about the church, and the medicine projects, and the schools that we are trying to establish. This mission isn’t  _solely_  religious.” He said. Michaels gave a small smile.

 

“I think I will.” He said. Connor smiled, and pat his shoulder.

 

“That’s great!” He said with a cheery expression.

 

Somewhere out in the hall, they heard yelling and then a plate shatter. Both the boys jumped. Connor immediately ran to the door, and then down the hall.

 

“Price what the hell!” Church yelled. Oh god, of course. Connor looked in the kitchen, and Price was standing red-faced over the glass shards. His fists were balled and he looked like he was about ready to kill anybody that moved.

 

“What is going on?!” Connor yells, staring at both parties. Church rolls his eyes and picks up his tie that was lying astray on the floor.

 

“Ask him, he’s the one that’s fucking crazy.” Church mumbles as he stalks back to his room. Some of the other Elders that had been lounging in the room now looked frightened at Price. Connor sighed.

 

“Can you boys please leave me and Elder Price alone for a while?” Connor asked. They all nodded and began to walk away. As Michaels passed him Connor said, “Elder, we will finish our conversation later ok?” Michaels smiled and gave a curt nod.

 

Connor turned to Elder Price once the other boys had left the room. He was standing in the same spot in the middle of the tiny kitchen. His face was staring at the glass shattered on the ground. Connor put his hands on his hips in his best attempt to look as if he had control over this situation. Price didn’t look up at him.

 

“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” Connor asked. Price rolled his eyes, looking thoroughly pissed off.

 

“No.” He said.

 

“Listen Elder, this can’t become a regular thing.” Connor said, crossing his arms. “I am getting really tired of these little melt downs. And I think it’s pretty clear everyone else is too.” He said. Price still avoided eye contact.

 

“Ok.” He said. He was biting the inside of his cheeks. Connor could tell. It’s something he does when he is trying not to explode.

 

“Elder. Please. Just talk.” Connor said, trying to calm him. Kevin shook his head like a two year old. Connor scoffed. “Kevin I can’t help you if you don’t talk!” He said, getting antsy and short.

 

“Well maybe I don’t want to  _fucking_  talk!” Price yelled. Connor took a step back. He was about to say something when Price talked again. “Everyone here is always trying to make me talk and I hate it! I hate it here!” He yelled. Connor stared at him with a raised eyebrow.

 

“...Are you done?” He asked. Kevin looked him in the eye. It was so intense that Connor could feel it hit him like a brick wall.

 

“Fuck you.” Price said.

 

“Elder there is no need for that language.” Connor said, pointing a threatening finger. “I am trying to help you-“

 

“Help me! All you have done since we got here is boss me around!”

 

“That’s literally my  _job!_ ” He yelled. Connor was starting to get hot. Something arguing with Price often makes him do.

 

“We don’t have jobs anymore! We left the church!” Price stepped forward and the glass crunches under his shoes. Connor would be concerned if he weren’t so riled up.

 

“Yes we did, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still the district leader.”

 

“Of what district!”

 

“Y’know Kevin! It was  _your_ idea to stay!  _Your_ idea to continue this church, and  _your_ fault we are all stuck here for two years!” Connor yelled. “Your attitude is horrible and you are never willing to help unless it’s something you want to do. I am so  _sick_ of cleaning up your messes! Take a chill pill ok, and just  _stop!_ ” Connor yelled. Usually to something like this, someone would stop and apologize, but Kevin exploded.

 

“Me!  _Me?_  If I remember right,  _you_ are the one who was all on board when Arnold was lying to all those Africans! You were willing to dump me in the trash as soon as things started going your way! You are the biggest fucking egomaniac I have ever met and I am going to love the day I never have to hear your  _stupid voice ever again because it is driving_   _me insane!”_ He yelled.

 

“ _I’m driving you insane? At least you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of your own breakdowns! I was in the middle of a sobbing Elder Michaels before_   _you flipped out and BROKE A FUCKING PLATE OVER A GAME OF JENGA!”_

 

“ _IT WAS MONOPOLY!”_

 

 _“DOES THAT REALLY MATTER! YOU ARE A NIGHTMARE AND I AM SICK OF IT!”_ Connor screamed. Before Price could come back Connor pointed down the hall. “Go to your room.” He said with a death stare. Price rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m not  _going to my room-“_

 

“GO TO YOUR ROOM  _RIGHT NOW!”_  Screamed Connor. They held a few seconds of silent death between their eyes.

 

“Fine.” Price spit between his teeth. He walked out, kicking the broken glass at Connor, who flinched. He slammed his door.

 

Connor stood still for a moment. He closed his eyes.  _Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry._ He couldn’t help it. Connor sobbed in the middle of the kitchen, except there was nobody offering their shoulders for him. He muttered to himself as he wiped his tears away and began to pick up the glass shards from the ground. This was crazy. Price is crazy... no. He’s not crazy. He’s just an asshole with severe social issues. He’s not used to being secluded with the same 7 people who don’t absolutely adore everything he does 100% of the time. He is scared.

 

Connor throws the glass away.

 

They’re all scared.

 

-

 

Price is such a struggle.

 

No. He’s not a struggle, because Connor can deal with a struggle. Price is  _Hell_.It seems that lately everything Connor does is something that pisses Price off.

 

When they eat, Price eats in a different room. When they have scheduled bonding time, Price feels sick and goes to bed. When they get paired together for chores, Price switches with Elder Cunningham. It’s really starting to affect Connor. He feels like Price is watching him constantly, but also ignoring his very existence. Like a Lion watching a Lamb, waiting for it to fall asleep so it can pounce... ok maybe that’s a little dramatic but it still doesn’t change the way Connor is feeling about all of this.

 

It’s Friday night. Friday night is hang-out night, and on this particular hang out night, Connor is going to try his best to mend his relationship with Price. If that’s even possible. How do you mend something that was so broken to start out with that you don’t even know what it looks like fixed?

 

Connor made his way to the living room where some of the boys were hanging out with some of the village girls who often come over. Connor eyed Elder Davis who had his arm wrapped around Namazzi, who had just turned 18. Davis shot him a thumbs up and turned away from Connor, who then rolled his eyes.

 

Elder Church was leaning against the wall drinking a glass of water, watching the room. More villagers squeezed into the hut, some carrying food and drinks and began to socialize. Connor made his way through the growing crowd to Church.

 

“Hey.” He said.

 

“Hey.” Connor replied. “Why aren’t you flirting with all the girls tonight?” Connor asked with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile. Church shrugged his shoulders.

 

“I have a girlfriend.” He said. Connor’s mouth dropped like a 13 year old.

 

“What?! Since when?!” He exclaimed, hitting Church roughly on the arm. Church hit him right back and Connor yelped in pain. That’s gonna be a bruise.

 

“Since like.. a year ago?” Church said. Connor’s mouth was still dropped. “We started dating a few months before I left.” He said. Church tapped Connor’s chin. “You’re gonna catch flies.”

 

“That’s crazy.” Connor said.

 

“Flies?”

 

“The fact that you have a girlfriend and never told me.” Connor said. Church shrugged.

 

“I didn’t fell the need to.” He said. Connor nodded.

 

“I get it.” He said. Price entered the room, trailing behind Arnold and being pushed forward by Nabalungi. He looked miserable next to his joyous companions. Connor chuckled. Church glanced at Price, then gave Connor a look.

 

“Besides..” He said taking a sip of his water. “You don’t necessarily tell me everything.”

 

Connor’s smile faltered. His heart stopped for a second and he couldn’t seem to break eye contact with Church, who was looking at him like a teacher to a problematic student. He didn’t know what to say. His district leading skills seemed to have opened up the back door to his mind and jumped out. His brain was blank.

 

“Hey Elder McKinley look at this!” Someone yelled. His head snapped toward the call. Church casually took another sip of his water. Elder Neeley was pointing out the window. Elder Davis was leaned up against a tree kissing Namazzi rather passionately. Connor’s face flushed at the public display. He rushed forward and closed the curtains.

 

“Let’s uh, give them their privacy.” He said.

 

“You aren’t going to stop them?” Elder Thomas asked.

 

“Elder, we are all adults. I am not your father, and I can only stop you from doing illegal things. If Elder Davis wants to uh..  _flaunt_ his newfound affection I can’t really stop him.” He said. He saw a spark light in Thomas’ eyes and then he quickly added. “But  _please_ be careful... no babies.” Thomas laughed and ran off through the crowd. Connor let out a long sigh.

 

He made his way over to the couch which had just been cleared of guests. This small hang out had soon become an ever-growing party and now Elders and Africans alike we’re starting to get rowdy. He watched as people talked and danced and played music and sang songs. He did enjoy things like this, the closeness of it all, but right now everything seemed to close and his head was foggy and he needed a second to cool off before his men got to drunk and he would have to begin crowd control.

 

Connor made his way over to his bedroom, pushing past the people and tripping slightly over a child he didn’t see. He saw Nabalungi about to slip into Cunningham’s room before she spotted him. She smiled and waved him over. He politely shook his head no, but she rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand and tugged him into the room.

 

She closed the door behind him.

 

“Hey Elder McKinley!” Elder Cunningham exclaimed happily from his position on the floor. He was reading a comic book that was obviously worn out considering the faded cover and the curled corners. Connor was a little uncomfortable but he smiled at Cunningham anyway. Price was sitting on his bed in the other corner of the room staring at Connor like he would literally rather be anywhere else. Nabalungi crossed the room and sat on Price’s bed with him. She smiled at him and his features softened slightly. Connor felt his eyebrows pull together slightly.

 

“We don’t really like the parties sometimes.” Nabalungi says. Her and Price were snuggled together on his bed and Price was playing with the hem of her dress instead of looking at Connor and Nabalungi kept talking about the party and about Connor and Connor couldn’t help but wonder about what Cunningham thought about what was happening on his best friends bed. She laid her head in Price’s lap and he played with her hair. Connor felt dirty. Like he was watching an inappropriate movie and his parents were in the room. This was wrong.

 

“Do you agree Elder?” She asked with that big smile. Connor stared at her and in her eyes was nothing but innocence. Price looked up when Connor didn’t respond. His eyes weren’t innocent. He knew what he was doing. Connor wanted to yell and scream that Price was a two timing jerk and his  _best friend was right there show some respect._ But he didn’t. He just kept staring.

 

“Are you ok?” She asked. Her pretty features growing solemn. Connor faked a smile.

 

“Yeah! I just need some water.” He lied, quickly backing up to the door. He exited.

 

The party was still going except now there was alcohol involved which means the bathroom is going to need cleaning up tomorrow, a chore that will be ‘accidentally’ scheduled for Elder Price. Connor made his way to his office, shooed out the couple that was kissing on his chair, and locked the door. He was disturbed by what he saw earlier. Yeah, Price is an asshole but is he really  _that_ low? Connor feels... he feels confused and irritated.

 

A knock on the door.

 

“Go away please, bathroom is down the hall.” Connor shouted. The knock came again. Connor yelled again. The knock wouldn’t stop until he got up and opened the door, aggravated. Price was standing there in his moody way, he pushed past Connor and sat in his chair. “What do you want?” Connor asked.

 

“Close the door.” He said.

 

“No.”

 

“Just do it please.” Price said with an annoyed look. After a moment Connor rolled his eyes and closed the door. He stood by it. Price waited for him to sit. He didn’t. Price motioned to the chair. Connor stood still. “Oh my god you’re so difficult.” He said turning away. Connor scoffed.

 

“I’m difficult? Have you met yourself?” He asked.

 

“Please sit.” Price asked. After a moment, Connor sat at his desk. Price watched him. His gaze burned Connor alive and it hurt but he refused to let it show. Now he has his attention and he’s not about to waste an opportunity. “Why do you keep following me around?” Price asked.

 

“What?” Connor looked up and was a little taken back by Price’s stare.

 

“For like a week now you’ve been watching me to see if I’m gonna explode or something and when you were in my room just now you weren’t even listening to Naba, just watching me. It’s weird. Stop.” He said. Connor felt his face go red.

 

“Well sorry but with mood swings like yours I kinda have to watch out.” Price rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh come on I know it might come as a surprise to you but I am actually a stable functioning human being who is willing to sit and peacefully resolve conflict.” Price said. Connor didn’t know what to do. He figures go straight for the kill.

 

“Are you trying to be my friend.” He stated. After a second, Price nodded. “...I can only be your friend if you promise to stop whatever it is between you and Sister Hatimbi...” Connor said, trying to hold his head up high. Price’s face went from bland to confused faster than a pin drop.

 

“What?” He asked. Connor took in a deep breath.

 

“The way you two act together is not very discreet or appropriate. Please, for Elder Cunningham’s sake, stop.” Connor said with the most serious expression he could muster. Price looked at him like he had two heads.

 

“We... aren’t together.” He said. Connor sighed. “No I’m not lying to you we really aren’t together.” Connor looked him in the eyes. He was being sincere.

 

“... really?” He asked. Price kind of laughed.

 

“Yes! She’s my  _best friends_ girlfriend. I can be an asshole sometimes but shit.” He said. Connor didn’t respond. “they’re my closest friends.. I act the same way with her as I do Arnold.” He said. Connor thought about it, and the more he thought about it the more he realized that Price was actually a very tactile person with the people he is close with. Connor felt embarrassed.

 

“Oh..” Connor said. “Well, I’m sorry for assuming.” Price shrugged.

 

“It’s ok I guess.” He said. There was an awkward air. Connor shifted uncomfortably in his seat and Price fiddled with a paperclip from a cup on his desk. As Connor tried not to pay attention to how Price’s fingers played with the clip, he remembered the flowers that he still had from Price. They were wilted and dead but they were still hidden behind a binder near him. He hurriedly grabbed the cup of dead flowers and carefully hid them in his desk drawer. Price looked suspicious. “What are you hiding?”

 

“Oh, just some stuff that was supposed to be in this drawer...” Connor laughed. Price raised his eyebrow. “It was just some medical papers... So, why aren’t you enjoying yourself in this impromptu party?” Connor asked, ready to move on from his self-obtained embarrassment. Price shrugged.

 

“I get kinda stupid when I’m drunk.” He said with an awkward smile. He scratched the back of his neck, and Connor thought how weird this was. They were sitting together talking about something and getting along. No screaming, no crying. Just friendly banter. Connor mentally checks ‘ _befriend the devil_ ’ off of his to-do list.

 

“How so?” Connor asked. Price’s cheeks began to flush and he let out a breathy laugh.

 

“Well, I can never really  _remember_ what I’m doing but Arnold always says I hang off of him and tell him how much I love him, and I always end up crying on Naba.” Price was staring at nothing, but his smile was so big and he was hiding it partially with his hand and he was sort of chuckling at himself. Connor watched him revel in his own drunken memories, so amused by the prospect of another version of himself doing things he would  _never_ do. It was strange.. he looked so...  _cute._

 

“I don’t really ever get drunk.” Connor said with an embarrassed smile.

 

“Well you’re so uptight, that doesn’t surprise me.” Connor was about to retort with something equally as rude until he saw Price’s face. He was smiling. Not being rude, just making a joke.

 

“Oh  _ha ha._ ” Connor said sarcastically. They shared a moment of companionable eye contact. Kevin got up from the chair.

 

“Ok, well... I’m gonna go check up on Arnold.” He said, pointing his thumb to the door. Connor nodded.

 

“Good bye Elder Price.” He said.

 

“You can just call me Kevin if you want.” He said with a shrug. Connor nodded again.

 

“Ok... Kevin.” He said. The word felt strange in his mouth. He laughed. Kevin laughed.

 

“Ok...  _Connor_.” He said. They both broke out into friendly laugher. Kevin waved and left. Connor watched the door.

 

_Kevin._

 

_-_

 

Some nights Connor gets in bed, lays there for a while, and goes to sleep. But most nights sleeping is the hardest part of the day.

 

It isn’t necessarily  _hard,_ just tedious. It takes hours of just laying there alone in his bed, thinking about things that happened that day and over-analyzing to the point of pure exhaustion. And it’s not just physically falling asleep that is exhausting, it’s the constant torment in his head that keeps him up. Those stupid horrible dreams that make his bed a battle ground. Almost every night since he was fifteen he has had nightmares that just won’t seem to go away. It was very troublesome.

 

“Good night.” Church said from his bed as he blew out the candle.

 

“... night.” Connor replied quietly, gripping a clump of his blanket so it felt like he was holding someone’s hand. He stared up at the ceiling and the small crack by the window that was his best friend at night. He would stare and stare for hours until it was screaming at him to close his eyes and not stare anymore. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. The room was dark and he was so  _tired._ Connor slipped. He fell. He was asleep.

 

Sleep was dark and murky and lonesome. Connor didn’t like it. He absolutely  _hated_ being alone yet, he was alone all the time. He watched himself walking down the hallway of the hut that seemed to stretch on endlessly. All he wanted to do was sleep. This walking started to hurt his knees. He stopped and took a break. He was out of breath. It got darker and darker until he couldn’t see. There were whispers and the walls were closing in and he tried to run but the hall was so  _far_ and he was just so  _tired._ The whispering got louder and louder until it was screaming and yelling. He often heard his mother and father. His pastor. His sisters. He covered his ears.

 

“Stop it...” He whispered. He fell. Hit the wall. God, his knees hurt so bad. The screams were all over him, choking him. “Stop it!” He said louder. He was being poked and prodded. “ _STOP IT!”_ He screamed. He tried to run but he slipped. He came crashing to the ground. Any second he would hit the floor and split his skull.

 

Connor jolted awake. He was sweating and crying. He stared at the ceiling until he found the crack near the window. He breathed.

 

 _‘You’re ok.’_  He thought.  _‘Just a dream, everything is fine.’_

 

He looked over to Church, who has trained himself to not wake up anymore when Connor has nightmares. At least one of them can get some sleep. Connor looks away once he begins to feel envious.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

-

 

“Can you get over yourself?” Church scolded. Price was getting red in the face.  _Shit._  Connor thought this stuff was over.

 

“ _Me!?_ Have you  _looked_ in a mirror lately?” Price yelled. The two boys started going back and fourth, getting in each other’s faces. Price puffed himself up so he looked taller, and Church kept pushing in on him, betraying his boundaries. The other boys rolled their eyes and tried to yell for them to stop. Connor wedged himself between them.

 

“Can you two please  _stop?_ ” He said, pushing them apart. Price hit the wall, and Church stumbled back. The room was silent and Connor was a little surprised by his strength. Church huffed and walked away, back to the bedroom. Price stared at Connor. He looked confused but also very angry. Connor braced himself for the storm that was about to hit him.

 

...

 

Nothing. Price looked away and gave a short sigh. He pushed himself off the wall and walked back to his room without a word.

 

The other boys along with Connor watched him go, their mouths dropped.

 

“That was... weird.” Thomas said.

 

“He didn’t freak out.” Said Davis. Connor watched his door, both proud and a little confused.

 

-

 

Kevin has slowly begun to break out of his shell, which has started to affect Connor. More often than not the two would wind up in the same room and become trapped in half hour conversations about Fairly Odd Parents or the local gossip and who they think is going to ask who to the next party.

 

Kevin looks at Connor like he is genuinely interested in what he is saying, and Connor kind of gets off on that. His whole life he has had to fight for attention and never gotten it, and now it seems like his full attention is constantly held by one single person.

 

One single person who just so happens to be  _so incredibly gorgeous that Connor might just throw up wow_. He feels like he never really noticed Kevin before. Yeah, he noticed his looks, but now he sees him as a whole.

 

Connor notices more things. Small things. Like when Kevin doesn’t understand something, his eyebrows crinkle and his mouth parts slightly, or how he is happiest around Arnold and how sometimes Connor walks past them and they are playing tag like two elementary schoolers. When Kevin is trying to keep cool he takes off his shirt, and Connor doesn’t stick around long enough after that to see what happens next.

 

Sometimes Kevin laughs so loud and hard that his face goes red and he clenches his stomach and almost falls off his chair. Sometimes he cries alone in his room, or in Connor’s office, or on Arnold. And sometimes Kevin looks at Connor like he wants to eat him alive.

 

He gets this dark look in his eyes and he watches Connor’s every move like he’s waiting for him to slip up. Connor gets hot and anxious and has to leave the room before he lets it become to obvious that he is falling hard for Kevin and is incessantly waiting for him to push him into the bed springs.

 

If Connor is being honest with himself, he thinks about Kevin constantly. While he’s eating and doing chores, and when he is trying to go to sleep or trying to keep himself occupied and not follow Kevin around like a lost puppy, which usually doesn’t work because Kevin is just so  _damn_ interesting.

 

Connor sat under a tree and watched as Kevin jumped around with Arnold and the young children of the village, playing with a rotting watermelon cat as like it was a soccer ball. He laughed when Kevin kicked it to hard and it broke and splatted everywhere, getting him and a few of the children covered in watermelon.

 

Connor’s laughter fought its way through his throat and exploded from him like a dog let out of a kennel after years of being trapped. He tried to cover his mouth but then Kevin slipped on a piece of fruit and fell on his ass and he was lost in his own bubbling giddiness.

 

Connor wiped some tears away from his eyes and looked back at Kevin who was staring at him. Connor giggled. Kevin tried to keep a serious face but once Connor laughed his own smaller smile broke out, until it overthrew his entire face and they were both smiling like two idiots across a lawn from each other.

 

‘ _He has a handsome smile.’_ Connor thought.

 

-

 

When Connor was fourteen his mother took him to a baby shower. He absolutely refused, saying that it was too girly and he didn’t care about babies or girls for that matter. His father agreed that he shouldn’t go but his mother insisted. So he went.

 

He thinks about that now.  _Maybe she knew._ He wondered.

 

It was loud and there was tea and small cakes and  _a lot_ of giddy girls. Connor sat at a small round table clouded in pink table cloth and little napkins that had strollers and binkies covering them front to back.

 

It was his cousin that was pregnant. Well, second cousin, she walked belly forward around the room, thanking guests and hugging her sisters. Connor thought she might fall over if her stomach got any bigger.

 

His mother was smiling brightly next to him.

 

“Why do I have to be here?” He asked, sitting his cheek up against his palm.

 

“Because I want you here that’s why.” She said, folding her stroller tissue.

 

“But Addie and Lexy didn’t have to come.”

 

“Well I didn’t want to bring Addie and Lexy I wanted to bring you.” She said. Connor rolled his eyes. She hit his shoulder. “Oh, stop.”

 

Connor moped in his chair, arms grown to long for his developing body, bright red pimples blemishing his face and getting lost in his overwhelming colony of freckles, and hair so strikingly red that in the sun it hurts your eyes. He felt self conscious when he saw the little girls skip past him, laughing to themselves.

 

“Come get some cake.” His mother said.

 

“I’m ok.”

 

“Come on.” She tugged his sleeve. He walked across the little room to the cake and got a piece with his mother.

 

Pink cake.

 

“It’s pink because she’s having a girl!” His aunt Gloria said. Connor didn’t eat the cake.

 

After the shower he sat in the car with his mother as they drove home.

 

“Did you have fun?” She asked.

 

“I guess so.” He said. She glanced at him.

 

“... guess so?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know... I don’t like those kinda things they’re so...  _girly.”_ He said the word like it was rotten in his mouth. His mother laughed.

 

“Well, you have always kind of liked girly things though.”

 

“No?”

 

“Connor.” She looked at him again. “Yes you have.” His face was beaming red.

 

“No! I haven’t, I  _hate_ stuff like that!” He said.

 

“Sweetheart, when you were seven I took you to your sisters dance recital and you cried for an hour because you wanted to wear a tutu.” He felt so suddenly overwhelmed tears started to build up in his chest and climb up his throat. He swallowed them. “You went through a phase of stealing your sisters Barbie’s.” She said. The tears hit his eyes. “And you have always  _loved_  pink.”

 

Connor was so angry that the tears spilled from him without his own consent.

 

“No I don’t I hate pink! I hate Barbies and that stupid baby shower and I hate  _you!”_ He yelled. She looked at him, mouth open like a fish. He covered his own mouth. “... I’m sorry...” he whispered. She looked back at the road.

 

“It’s ok.”

 

Connor opened the door to the mission hut, and walked to his bedroom. It was Sunday morning and they had sermon in half an hour. He looked at his ties, because on Sunday they all wear their mission uniforms.

 

“Hey a group of us are headed to the church.” A voice said behind him. Connor looked at the door and saw Kevin leaning in the doorway. He smiled and nodded at him, and Kevin smiled back. He walked away.

 

Connor looked back at his ties, and noticed the light pink tie toward the end of the line. Kevin bought that for him from the market. It was simple and plain, but he said it would look good with his hair. Connor picked it up and looped it around his neck. He thought of his mother.

 

It looked nice.

 

-

 

“You have a lot of time on your hands huh?” Connor said with a chuckle to Kevin, who was sprawled across the common area floor in a very unflattering manner. Kevin sighed dramatically and Connor rolled his eyes as he sat on the couch, pushing one of Kevin’s feet off in the process.

 

“I’ve just been so bored lately.” He confessed. Connor leaned his elbow on the arm of the chair, and propped his chin on his hand. He quirked an eyebrow with a small smile.

 

“How so?” Kevin looked at him, a prominent double chin showing off because of his position. Connor chuckled.

 

“It feels like there has been nothing to do. I love going to the village and seeing the people and playing with the babies but lately it feels like it’s all worn out...” he said.

 

“I get that.”

 

“And me and Arnold can usually entertain ourselves, but lately him and Naba have been  _super_ coupley and I’m just bored of being the third wheel.” He propped his leg back up on the couch into Connor’s lap. Connor pushed it off. Kevin laughed a short breath. “Hanging out with you has been fun though.” He said, making eye contact with Connor. He tried to hide his small smile.

 

“Same here.” He said. Kevin propped his leg back up onto Connor, he didn’t push it away this time, instead he began untying Kevin’s shoe. Kevin didn’t stop him. Connor unraveled the laces until he could pull the long string completely out of the loop. He threw it at Kevin’s face, who jumped with surprise but then laughed. Connor slipped his shoe off, commented on Kevin’s horrid foot odor, and then slipped off his sock. Kevin’s feet were big, and Connor had to acknowledge that it was a handsome foot.

 

He and Kevin locked eyes. They stared and had a million conversations and yet, didn’t even open their mouths. Kevin was still sprawled across the floor, but his foot was sort of half-cradled in Connor’s arms now. Connor laughed. So did Kevin.

 

“You’re a mess.” Kevin said.

 

“You’re an attention hog.”

 

“You’re annoying.”

 

“You’re insufferable.”

 

“You love me.” Kevin said. His face was warm with a small smile that absolutely melted Connor’s insides. He looked down at Kevin’s foot, and sort of scratched where his bare leg was peeking from his pants. His leg hair was dark, unlike Connor’s which was very light.

 

“Yes, I suppose I do.” He said. Kevin began to wiggle his toes and tried to lift his leg and stick them in Connor’s face. Connor screamed out in protest and pushed his leg away. Kevin tried again. Connor ran.

 

“Elder stop!” He yelled. Kevin shot up from the floor, his sock in one hand, and his shoe in the other. His lace was dangling dangerously around his neck, and he was staring ravenously at Connor who was laughing so much it was hard to speak.

 

“What’s wrong McKinley? You don’t like socks!” He yelled, trying to jump over the couch and stick his sock in Connor’s face.

 

“Oh my gosh, Kevin stop!” Connor yelled, and ran around the common room. A chase began, and the two boys were running into walls and chasing each other and laughing so hard that they were crying a little bit. Connor got cornered, and Kevin lunged at him, dropping his sock and shoe, and picking Connor up around his waist. “ _Kevin!_ ” He yelled. Kevin was laughing and trying to spin him around and Connor was holding onto Kevin’s shoulders for dear life but running out of breath from laughter and the fact his torso was being smothered.

 

“Um... Elders?” They heard from the hallway. They both looked over, Connor still three feet in the air. Elder Michaels was standing in the doorway, looking at them with and amused/confused/worried expression. Kevin quickly dropped Connor and they both kind of laughed awkwardly.

 

“We were just...” Connor tried to explain. Kevin only had on one shoe, which Michaels quickly realized. “We were.. uh...”

 

“I think I need new shoes.” Kevin said. Michaels nodded.

 

“Alright well... have fun?” He said and walked past them, out the door of the hut.

 

The two boys made nervous eye contact, which dissolved into hideous laughter.

 

-

 

Kevin has made a point of touching Connor as often as he can now.

 

When he is passing him I’m a room he’ll slide his hand over his lower back. Hell rest his palm on Connor’s shoulder, or if no one is looking, his thigh. He gives Connor these little secret looks during sermon when he is bored, and sometimes he leaves little notes around Connor’s things.

 

Connor can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it, because he really does... like...  _a lot._

 

He has never had somebody dote after him like this, and it’s both exciting and terrifying at the same time. The only downside is, Connor can’t figure out of Kevin is doing these things as a friend or as a... um... well that’s not important but it is really confusing none-the-less.

 

Today when Connor was cleaning the dishes, Kevin walked up behind him and whispered, “ _You look really good in these pants.”_ To which Connor then dropped a bowl and tried to comeback with a sassy joke that just sounded more like a cry for help. That  _must_ have been flirting... maybe.

 

There are things like that, but then there are also times where Kevin completely ignores him and goes out of his way to cuddle up against Nabalungi and play around with Arnold. Connor feels like Kevin can’t like him at all.

 

Other times Kevin is screaming at him, or laughing with him so hard he snorts, or whispering little things to him at sermon and making Connor laugh, and then looking at him like his laugh is the only thing that matters.

 

Connor is so confused. He knows he’s... he knows he  _doesn’t like girls,_ but something about Kevin just confuses him to no end. It’s like one minute he knows for sure, and then the next he is right back in the closet, praying to Heavenly Father no one comes in to check where he is.

 

Connor sat in the common room with the other boys as Elder Davis and Elder Cunningham reenacted a scene that happened to them earlier that day. It involved a lot of finger pointing and lifting of Elder Davis who would laugh in between his dialogue. The other boys all shouted at them from the floor and laughed along with them. Kevin scooted over to Connor and sat directly beside him. His leg tangled with Connor’s.

 

This distraction didn’t differ Connor from the scene before him, but when Kevin’s hand fiddled with Connor’s and begged to be held, he looked over to Price who was concentrated on the other boys. Connor’s heart was beating fast as he let Kevin’s fingers overlap his own.

 

 _God_ , what does this mean.

 

-

 

Kevin is sick.

 

It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, usually someone is sick every month, but the hut hasn’t gotten its American Medicine replacement supply in yet and it’s flu season.

 

Flu season in this part of Uganda means that every three of five people diagnosed will die, and right now Kevin has been laid up in bed for four days. He won’t stop sweating yet he complains that it’s too cold, and his fever has broken 100, and he looks worse and worse every day. Arnold has temporarily moved into Connor’s office because no one is aloud in Kevin’s room except Connor and Gotswana. Nabalungi didn’t concede to this rule very easily. Connor caught her kissing Kevin’s head and trying to feed him soup.

 

Right now Nabalungi hates Connor.

 

Connor has tried to keep everything under control as best he can, but it seems that everyday he gets worse and worse. Last night Connor had to practically carry him to the bathroom so he could retch his guts out all night. Kevin has stopped eating now because of that. Connor is so nervous he thinks  _he_  might just throw up. When he wasn’t catering to Kevin, he was secretly crying to himself while he watched him sleep, the thought of him not waking up in the morning nagging his every instinct. He wanted to shake him awake.

 

‘ _He needs to sleep, let him sleep’_  his common sense kicked in. Connor watched him, day and night. Gotswana gave him a medical mask and gloves to wear around him, to keep himself healthy. Kevin was asleep, but barely. A small cough from his bed.  _Oh no._ Connor ran to get a glass of water. Elder Davis was at the kitchen sink and Connor pushed him away, filling up his glass as fast as he could. When he ran back into the room, Kevin was hacking so bad he looked as if he was about to fall out of the bed.

 

Connor rushed forward and got to the ground. Kevin’s head was flopped lazily off the bed as he coughed. Mucus and saliva and tears dripped from him all at the same time, like a rainstorm of disease.

 

“Oh God, Kevin ok.” Connor tried to talk as he set the water down and lifted Kevin’s head. He coughed harder. Connor didn’t know what to do. He climbed into bed with Kevin and cradled his upper body, stroking his hair and holding his head close to his chest. “Just try to breathe...” he said, rocking himself and Kevin. “Breathe... breathe...” Kevin’s coughs sounded more like scratches now, there was nothing left in his throat to be expelled. His body was limp in Connor’s arms and he was making small crying sounds Connor’s chest. Connor looked down to his face, which he immediately regretted. Though his eyes were closed, tears were streaming out of them, and his mouth was sewn down in a terrible frown, his eyebrows were knitted together. He was in so much pain and there was nothing Connor could do to make it go away. “It’s ok... it’s ok it’s over.” One of Kevin’s now frail and skinny arms slowly made its way to Connor’s shirt, and he grasped it, clutching it weakly. Connor knew this meant thank you. He started crying.

 

“Here...” he reached for the water, trying to keep Kevin still in his arms. “Drink this.” He whispered, placing the cup up to his lips. Kevin’s eyes were closed and his lips were already parted as the cup and water made contact. Connor gave Kevin small sips, hoping he would swallow and not cough.

 

Once the water was gone, he set the cup back on the bedside table and held Kevin in his arms, rocking him until he fell asleep. Connor slipped out of the bed and watched him. His heart was racing so fast he had to sit down.

 

Connor didn’t really pray that much anymore, but he figured now was as good a time as ever. He closed his eyes.

 

“Dear Heavenly Father... I really don’t know why you sent me here, or why you made me go through the things I’ve been through or why you made this all happen the way it did, but please... if you have anything good in my life planned... please please  _please_ let him be ok..” he said. “ _Please keep him alive._ ”

 

Connor woke up leaned against Arnold’s bed. Kevin was silent in his bed. The sun was out...  _shit._ Connor rushed over to Kevin. His forehead was dry, and his face was pale. He shook him. Nothing. He shook him again. His body was limp but not stiff.

 

“Fuck...  _fuck!”_ Connor pulled on his own hair, trying to figure out what to do. His hands were shaking and a feeling of dread was creeping its way up his stomach. He ran to the bedroom door. “Help!” He yelled. “ _I need help right now!”_

 

Elders Michaels Church and Thomas rushed from the common room to the door. They all looked past Connor to Kevin, who was still silent.

 

“We need- we need to get him to Gotswana right now. He- he isn’t moving and he’s not sweating a-and I don’t know what to do...” Connor started hyperventilating. Church grabbed his arm.

 

“It’s ok, we’ll help.” He said. Connor nodded. They all lifted Kevin from the bed. He was the tallest of the Elders, so it took a minute to get him mobile. Gotswana’s hut is about a twelve minute walk to the village, so the boys quickly tried to get Kevin there. His eyes did not open the whole way. He simply hung from them.

 

When they made it to the medical hut Connor screamed out for Gotswana, and some of the villagers came rushing, including Gotswana. They all crowded around and Gotswana yelled for them to leave. He picked Kevin up and carried him into the hut. The other boys followed behind in fear and curiosity, but mostly nerves.

 

Kevin was laid down on a cot, and Gotswana covered him in a blanket and put a wet towel on his head. He started perform CPR, trying to make little contact with Kevin’s lips. He was pounding so hard on Kevin’s chest, Connor thought it was going to break and cave in. He was so scared watching this that he had to lean against Church, who pat his back.

 

After a few minutes of repeated punctuation on Kevin, he was finally revived. His eyes shot open and the nastiest cough Connor has ever heard erupted from his lungs, which were probably bruised now. Connor was so relieved he burst into tears. Elder Church wiped a single tear away as well. Gotswana laid Kevin back down, and walked over to them.

 

“You are lucky you got him to me when you did. Five more minutes and he would have been dead.” He said, looking grave. “Dembe has already lost lost her baby to this flu, and Akello past away last Monday... we must not let Elder Price suffer the same fate.” He said. Connor’s hands were still shaking.

 

“What can we do?” Elder Tomas chimed in. “The medicine isn’t here yet.” Gotswana sighed.

 

“The only thing we can do is keep him alive until it arrives.” He said, and told the boys to go home.

 

Church stayed up with Connor most of the night, and Connor spent most of his day in the medical hut catering to Kevin. He watched three of the small children from the village pass away and with each new death his fear tore away at him. All he could see at night was Kevin being buried and all he saw in the day was Kevin barely staying alive. It is the scariest situation he has ever been in.

 

One morning, about a week after Kevin arrived at the medical hut, Connor began to make his trip over there when he saw the Red Cross van with the monthly medicine pull into the village. His heart started racing so fast, he jumped into the air and yelled in excitement. He ran as quick as he could the rest of the way, laughing and crying and almost tripping several times.

 

He helped Gotswana unpack the medicine and he helped him distribute it to the patients, the first being Kevin who laid still in his bed, barely breathing. Gotswana administered a shot into Kevin’s arm, and even though Kevin hates needles and blood, he didn’t even flinch.

 

“He should begin to feel better now.” Gotswana said with a smile. He gave the other patients their shots. Connor was so happy as he watched Kevin lay.

 

It was a whole two weeks until Kevin was better. He could finally get up and walk around, and eat properly, and sit outside and complain about how hot it was. He had lost almost thirty pounds and was looking slightly anorexic. Connor made him eat double the other Elders at dinner each night. Arnold and Kevin finally got to see each other and it was definitely a sight for sore eyes.

 

Connor sat up with Kevin one night. They were on the couch, Kevin sprawled across it, laying his head on Connor’s lap as he scratched his scalp.

 

“How did nobody else get sick.” Kevin asked.

 

“Because we’re not idiots who catered to coughing children all day.” Connor said. “Also I basically put you in quarantine.” Kevin laughed and sat up.

 

“Yeah Arnold told me... do you know how many people died?” He asked quietly, sounding very sad. Connor sighed.

 

“About four adults and seven kids all together.” Connor said. Kevin looked so depressed that it hurt Connor. He had his head down and stayed silent for a while. Connor saw him wipe a few tears away. He rested a hand against his back, and scratched slightly to make him feel better.

 

“It’s ok...” Connor consoled.

 

“It’s not ok.” Kevin said quietly. He took in a big breath and sat up. “... I wish I could have helped.”

 

“Kevin, there was nothing you could do...” he said. Kevin shrugged sadly. “You were a few minutes from dying at one point. You could barely breathe!” Connor told him. He could see in Kevin’s face that he was holding back something. Some feeling or thought. He sat quietly, waiting for Kevin to speak up.

 

“... it’s just not fair...” he said. He wasn’t crying or yelling. He just sat there solemnly, staring at his feet. “They never even got a chance?” He said. Connor placed his hand on Kevin’s shoulder. “At least I’ve lived relatively long...”

 

Connor leaned his head on Kevin’s shoulder and they sat in silence for a long time. Kevin sat back and pulled Connor closer to him. It was dark in the room and the moon was shining through the window blinds and the kitchen windows. Connor didn’t really know what to do right now. He was sandwiched into Kevin’s side by his body and arm. He sat stiff, not wanting to make Kevin uncomfortable in any way.

 

“Just relax.” Kevin said. Connor laughed despite himself, and awkwardly let himself fall limp into Kevin’s side.

 

His whole adolescence he has wondered what it would feel like to be like this. Snuggled against another man in the dark with nothing telling them it was wrong or sinful. Connor wasn’t really sure what this meant. Sometimes it felt like Kevin was flirting and sometimes it felt like Kevin was the straightest man on Earth. Connor just didn’t know. But right now, he can hear Kevin’s heart through his shirt and his arm was holding Connor tight and his cheek was leaned against Connor’s head and Connor felt so secure in this small insignificant moment.

 

“I never told you this before,” Kevin said. “But thank you... thanks for what you did for me..” Connor snaked his arms around Kevin’s waist and held him tight. He didn’t know what this was. Kevin was warm and kind and horrible and mean and sweet and Connor wanted to look up at him and kiss him or hug him tighter, he didn’t even know what he wanted. Kevin’s breath was warm on Connor’s head and his heart was beating quicker than normal. He was nervous. “... you mean a lot to me.” He whispered.

 

Connor didn’t respond. He just groped Kevin tighter as they sat in the dark, waiting for something else to happen.

 

“... does this mean anything.” He whispered, staring at the coffee table, clutching Kevin’s shirt.

 

“... I don’t know.”

 

-

 

Connor’s sleeping habits have not gotten any better. If anything, they have gotten worse since Kevin was sick.

 

Whenever he closes his eyes he is in a world of Kevin and his dreams go one of two very extreme ways. There is the typical, which Connor is so used to, the Hell Dream where Kevin is dying and demons are surrounding him and his parents watch loomingly in the background.

 

And then there is the one that Connor really can’t handle at all. It always starts off the same way, Kevin calls him into his room for help. It’s dark and Kevin is dressed in his mission uniform but his badge doesn’t say anything. He talks to Connor and pins him up against the wall and whispers the  _filthiest_ things in his ear and on his neck and his body feels hot and Kevin touches him everywhere and when Connor wakes up he is usually sweaty and has to take the walk of shame and bury his boxers in the bottom of the laundry pile and hopes to God no one else will come walking out in the middle of the night.

 

Of course, not everybody is that lucky.

 

Connor snuck down the halls, candle in hand, and soiled garments in the other, trying to make his way to the small closet where the boys dumped the dirty clothes to be washed in the morning. About half way through the common room he heard a cabinet shut from the kitchen.

 

“ _Shit._ ” He whispered, and blew out the candle trying to quickly slip to the closet without being noticed. Luckily, living in Uganda with little to no electricity was good for your eyes because Connor had a certain sense of night vision now. This didn’t help him much though because he still hit his foot on the corner of the dinner table. He yelped in pain, dropping to the floor and cradling his wounded toes.

 

“Who is that?” Someone asked from the kitchen. Connor saw the candlelight creeping near him. He knew that voice. God must really hate him. “Connor? What are you doing?” Kevin asked, standing a few feet away in nothing but his boxers.  _Jesus Connor might just die right now._ He was still a little underweight from being sick, but it seems like Kevin can literally make anything work. Connor stuttered.

 

“I just have to pee...” he said, trying to keep his eyes on Kevin’s face. Kevin looked confused, then suddenly a playful little smile took hold of his lips. He leaned on a chair.

 

“Y’know there’s a bathroom right across from your office. This hut has two... one on each side.” He said. Connor tried to hide his underwear as best he could.  _Fuck you Kevin Price_.

 

“The toilet is clogged.” He lied.

 

“Is it?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“So if I go check right now, the toilet is going to be clogged?” He asked. Connor scrambled to his feet.

 

“Do what you want, I have to pee!” He said quickly as he walked away. He heard Kevin behind him.

 

“You forgot something.”

 

With a feeling of dread Connor realized he wasn’t holding his underwear. His face was beet red. He turned around and walked toward Kevin, who was holding them out to him. As Connor reached for them, Kevin pulled them away. He reached again, and Kevin pulled again. Connor rushed forward and Kevin caught him around the waist, pulling him into his body. Connor was trapped in him.

 

His breath burned against Connor’s ear. “ _I dream about you too..._ ” He whispered so quietly Connor wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t focusing solely on everything coming from Kevin’s mouth. Kevin’s lips slightly dragged on Connor’s ear and cheek and he felt shivers rush down his arms. Connor was frozen, and didn’t really register the clothing being put in his hand, or Kevin walking away from him and silently slipping back into his room. Connor stood still. He turned and stared at Kevin’s door.

 

_Jesus Christ._

 

-

 

So it’s official. Kevin likes Connor. Or... or Y’know at least Connor  _thinks_ he likes him. He still has his little moments of doubt, but he’s pretty sure he likes him. Connor wants to be brave and bold. He wants to ask him, “ _do you like me?_ ” Or “ _do you want to kiss me?_ ” Or “ _do you want to fu-_ “ ok maybe not that bold actually.

 

Connor walks with Kevin from the Village to the river. Their hands dancing around each other, touching and brushing but nothing to drastic. Kevin is laughing a lot, and Connor is fixated on the way his mouth moves when he speaks.

 

“I think Kimbe’s baby is going to be a girl.” He said. Putting his hands into the pockets of his new shorts he bought from the market. Like most things from the market, they were donated from another country. These were light pink and much to short for Kevin’s ridiculously long legs, but he had an infatuation with them and wears them as often as he can. Connor is not complaining.

 

“How do you know?” He asked. The river was close.

 

“I just do.. I felt her stomach today when I was there with Naba and Arnold, and the baby kicked and I think it’s going to be a girl.” Connor chuckled.

 

“Kevin Price, getting all the girls, even the ones who haven’t been born yet.” Connor joked. Kevin belted out a strong laugh and Connor laughed too.

 

“Oh stop.” He said, and pushed Connor lightly.

 

“No seriously, I think all of the women here would leave their husbands if you wanted them to.”

 

“That’s terrifying.” He said.

 

“What? A bunch of angry husbands knocking at your door?” Connor asked.

 

“Women.” Kevin stated. They both laughed at that.

 

The river was quiet, except for the buzz of the spring toads. The water was clear and Connor threw a pebble in.

 

They sat in companionable silence. Kevin laid by the river bank, and Connor joined him, the shade from the large Teak tree covering them from the hot sun. Kevin’s arm snaked under Connor’s head and played with his hair. Connor closed his eyes. Kevin turned his head so he was facing Connor’s ear.

 

“Sitaki kitu ila kukubusu...” Kevin whispered. Connor turned his head so he was facing Kevin. His brown eyes looking only at Connor’s lips.

 

“What does that mean?” He asked. Kevin could almost speak fluent Swahili now from being here so long and working so hard to learn the language. He never really could give up on anything. Figures.

 

Kevin never answered Connor. He just smiled. A big goofy smile that made Connor feel like jelly. With a second of nervous hesitation Connor pushed his forehead against Kevin’s. Under his head he felt Kevin’s arm stiffen. Sometimes he forgets Kevin gets nervous too.

 

They laid there like that for what seemed like hours upon hours, both too nervous and unsure to do anything more, but Connor was fine with that. Right now, Kevin was laying with him, breathing his same air, not afraid of being this close. The sun was shining and Connor could hear the roads by the river. The Earth seemed to be spinning at the exact same speed, but somehow everything was slow.

 

Connor did something brave. He brought his hand up to rest on Kevin’s cheek.

 

Almost like a cat, Kevin pushed into his hand. Connor stared at him. Never has he ever seen him like this, so innocent and vulnerable. Kevin opened his eyes. Suddenly it was all too much as Connor was thrown into that big hole that he has been covering up for 20 years. As brown mixed with blue in what seemed like a never ending moment, Connor was slowly slipping away into his own pit. Endlessly endlessly tumbling deep into Kevin and everything he held for Connor.

 

Kevin pushed his nose into Connor’s.

 

He has wanted to kiss him since the day they met, but never more than right now. Connor pushed back. They were as close as people could get without being close at all. His hands were shaking. Kevin breathed heavily on his lips and Connor’s stomach was twisting and curling and giving him second thoughts. He tried to push forward but suddenly everything felt so fast. Kevin’s hand held his neck, and kept him there. Connor pulled back, but Kevin held him. He tried to kiss him, and Connor turned his face to the ground.

 

“...  _I’m sorry..._ ” he whispered. He felt so dirty. Laying here with Kevin on the ground.

 

Kevin sat up.

 

“I thought?..” he said, looking ahead. “God you are  _so_ confusing.” He burst out, throwing his hands up. Connor sat up. “I don’t know what you want sometimes...” Kevin said, turning to him. Connor looked back. He didn’t know what to say, feeling to sorry for himself to respond. “Do you even?... like me?” He asked. Connor looked him in the eyes, eyebrows knitted together.

 

“... I don’t know...” he whispered. Something broke in Kevin when he said that. His eyes went from confused to morbid to angry within a few seconds. Connor’s head was swimming as Kevin said nothing, walking away quickly.

 

-

 

Connor sat in Nabalungi’s bed, under her thin blankets, cradling her pillow in his arms.

 

They have developed a sort of friendship, and Connor has made a bad habit of running to her with all his problems. She is always very real with him.

 

“Why are you so upset?” She asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

“Because you know how Kevin is, when something makes him upset he takes a while to get over it.” Nabalungi sighed.

 

“Wavulana hawa nyeupe ni makubwa hivyo, Mungu kuwasaidia.” She exaggerated. Connor had no idea what this meant, but he definitely knew she was complaining. He stared sadly at his hands. She hit him. “Stop feeling bad for yourself. Changamka, cheer up.”

 

“I just don’t know what to  _do!_ ” He said, throwing his hands in his face. Nabalungi groaned and shook him.

 

“You are pathetic!” She yelled. “Kupata juu yake! Get over it!” Connor sighed. “No! No moping, you are fine.” She began to push him from the bed.

 

“Naba stop-“

 

“No no, go, go leave.” She gave him a final push. “Go get him.”

 

-

 

Connor knocked on Kevin’s door, and opened it. Kevin and Arnold were having a whispered conversation and Kevin looked at Connor and sort of half rolled his eyes and looked away.

 

“Connor! That’s so funny Kevin wants to talk to you I’m gonna go to Nabalungi’s hut ok bye bye.” Arnold raced his sentence and rushed from the room, pushing Connor in and shutting the door. The room was silent, and Kevin refused to look at him. He sat on his bed. Connor huffed.

 

“I’m sorry.” He said. Kevin shrugged.

 

“For what?” He asked. Connor sighed, and crossed over to the bed.

 

“Will you look at me?”

 

“No.”

 

Connor rolled his eyes and sat next to Kevin. He opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again.

 

“ _Jesus_ this is hard.” He said with a huff. Kevin still didn’t look over. “Listen, I just... I’ve never...  _felt_ like this before.” He said. Kevin still didn’t look over. “It’s hard for me to... to do this kinda stuff.... I don’t know, it feels like one minute I’m fine and then everything is falling apart... I don’t know what to do...” he whispered the last part. Kevin laid his head against the wall, and looked over at Connor.

 

“... me too.” He said. They shared a moment of eye contact. “Sorry for freaking out.”

 

“Y’know what’s funny?” Connor asked. Kevin raised his eyebrows. “Five months ago you would have  _never_ apologized.” Kevin chuckled.

 

“Yes I would have.” He said with an amused smile.

 

“No! You woulda been like,  _get the fuck over it and stop being a pussy._ ” Connor imitated.

 

“No!”

 

“Yeah!”

 

Kevin rolled over and grabbed at Connor, trying to tickle him. “Take it back!” He would yell. He knew Connor was most sensitive right under his armpit, and he kept trying to poke him there. Connor was laughing and pushing him away. Kevin grabbed his shirt and pulled him up onto his lap, rolling them both over. Kevin leaned against the wall, and Connor, red-faced, straddling him. They both laughed.

 

Kevin put his hands on Connor’s thighs, and Connor ignored the heat that shot through him. That’s Kevin. Right to the point. Connor put his hands on his chest, and outlined the buttons on his shirt. It was a little dirty. Kevin was smiling warmly up at him. He made a small noise to Connor, and he knew what it meant.

 

Connor leaned down. Their noses bumped and Kevin’s breath was a little shaky and his grip on Connor’s thighs was tight. Connor watched his lips. He closed his eyes. Suddenly, without warning, Kevin pushed into Connor. His lips were warm and Connor felt a little dizzy. He kissed him for what seemed like eternity, his hands sliding up and touching Connor like he has never even known his body. Kevin moved against him and pulled him close and breathed on him and licked at his neck, and made these horribly  _sensual_ noises when Connor touched him back.

 

Suddenly Kevin was everywhere at once. This boundary between them shattered and Connor felt as though if Kevin asked him, he would give himself away in a heartbeat. Connor pushed into Kevin. Their tongues intertwining and pushing and their bodies rubbing together and Connor feeling as though this was it. The missing piece in his life. This moment made up for years of repression and sorrow, and feelings that he wasn’t good or wasn’t right in the way he felt.

 

Kevin held his head still.

 

“unanifanya nipende...” he whispered. Connor was so caught up in the moment he almost didn’t realize Kevin wasn’t speaking English.

 

“What does that mean?” He asked, a little breathless.

 

“ _You make me hot.”_

 

Connor kissed him again, making a point of pushing his body into Kevin’s, his hips grinding down on the other. Kevin’s legs clenched below him, and the straining sound coming from him was something Connor has never imagined before.

 

They flipped. Connor was pinned under Kevin, being kissed so roughly it hurt. But it felt so  _good_ that Connor almost forgot he was sexually repressed his entire life. Kevin ground his hips into Connor, and Connor mimicked him. Their kissing turned into open mouthed breathing, and Kevin sloppily licked at Connor’s neck.

 

The door opened.

 

Arnold.

 

“ _Get out!_ ” Kevin yelled. Arnold’s face was dropped into a comical ‘O’, and he quickly exited the room, hands thrown up in defense. Connor’s whole body went cold. He and Kevin shared a moment of eye contact. They laughed. Kevin collapsed on top of Connor, and he would’ve complained except, he really enjoyed this. It was warm, and he wrapped his arms around Kevin’s neck and held him close, letting their bodies melt together.

 

“You mean more to me than most everyone I’ve met.” Kevin said nonchalantly. “Except Arnold.”

 

“I figured.” He said back. “But same for you too.”

 

-

 

And so it began. This secret love affair.

 

Connor lost his virginity in Kevin’s bed while the others were at a village party. It hurt so bad but Kevin really enjoyed it so Connor stuck it out. Eventually, it started to feel better and better, and now Kevin knows how to hit Connor in that one  _spot_. He has had to hide countless bruises and marks from the other Elders, especially Church who Connor is pretty sure, knows something is going on.

 

Kevin is so much. But in a good way. Connor is so close to him now and they know how to work things out and how to be close and love but also how to give each other space when they need it.

 

Kevin thrusted into Connor a few more times and then he let out a strangled groan. Connor breathed heavily, and helped clean up the mess. Kevin rolled over, their legs staying woven. The moonlight shining through Kevin’s window hit Connor’s naked body and made him glow. Kevin watched him, a warm expression following his gaze.

 

“You are so white.” He said. Connor laughed.

 

“Gee thanks.” He said. Kevin rolled over so he was lying on top of Connor. Connor played with his hair.

 

“You know that’s not what I meant...”

 

“I know.”

 

Kevin was quiet and Connor thought for a moment he was asleep.

 

“ _nakupenda_ ”Kevin whispered. Connor knew what that meant.

 

“... are you being serious?” Connor whispered. Kevin turned his head, and they stared at each other, faces close in the dark light.

 

“I am.” He said. Connor kissed him.

 

“Me too.”

 

“Me too what?” Kevin asked.

 

“I love you too you asshole.” Connor said, rolling his eyes. Kevin laughed.

 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do back in America...” he whispered. Kevin has never talked about America to Connor. “I think I will only focus on getting back with you.” He said. His face looked so morbid, that it made Connor want to cry.

 

“... we don’t have to think about that right now... it’s a whole month away..” Kevin was staring so far into Connor’s eyes.

 

“We both know a month is only a day.” He said.

 

“I want to spend the rest of my days with you.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“Do you promise you will find me in America.” Connor asked.

 

“Ninaahidi.” He whispered, scratching at Connor’s scalp. “I promise.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I really love how this story turned out, I think it's one of my best yet. I absolutely LOVE long comments so if you feel like ranting, go ahead. Also i finally FIXED THE PROBLEM OF MY ITALICIZED WORDS.


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